Thursday, August 16, 2012


Sorry, readers. You are going to be my free therapy for awhile. 
Feel free to skip this post if you don't feel like reading more emotional ramblings. =) 

I lost track of how many times I got teary today. No actual tears until I got home (thank goodness for that! They flowed pretty freely this evening though.) But there were several near-tear moments during the day today. Plus a few moments of major nauseousness. Yuck. (Just stress, I'm sure. But still... yuck.)

* A super sweet voicemail from a friend early this morning after she read my blog post from last night. Just telling me that I'll be okay and that she's praying for me. Thank you, Kristi. (I was actually relieved that I missed your call though when I heard the message. I would have been way more than just teary if I had talked to you in person!) 

* Sweet texts, emails and blog comments from friends... just telling me that they're thinking of me and praying for me. 

* A sweet care package sent from my sister. Just something that she thought might help make the mornings/breakfast a little easier. 

* A sweet Facebook post from my favorite neighbor... who finally came home from a trip and now I'm not her neighbor anymore. 

* A well meaning comment from someone at recess... "Look at that cute little red-head, sitting over there playing by himself so nicely!" I know she meant well and I know that's what she saw... but I saw a cute little red-head sitting over there by himself... because he had no friends to play with. And I tried to imagine him just sitting by himself at recess last year. But I couldn't do it. Because I never saw him just sitting at recess last year. 

I was telling that story to one of the other teachers after school... and trying not to cry. A quote from the movie, "Stepmom," popped into my head. Julia Roberts (the stepmom) is saying to Susan Sarandon (the real mom) "Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you." I realize they are talking about a very different situation than we are dealing with here, and that the quote maybe doesn't connect with anyone but me right now, but it made perfect sense at the time. 

I was telling Corey last night (during my meltdown) how hard this whole situation is for me as a mom. The tears at daycare... seeing nervous faces in the hallway... seeing my happy-go-lucky kiddo sitting alone on the playground... the messy/cluttered/unorganized house. Those things alone would make me an emotional mess. Throw in the new school, new classroom, new curriculum, new colleagues... and you have one o.v.e.r.w.h.e.l.m.e.d. momma. I know he has a lot of stress in his life right now, too. He's figuring out all the ins and outs of his new job and dealing with all the father/husband/provider stuff. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm the mom, or if it's just because I'm more involved first hand with the daycare/school stuff. Either way... I'm a mess right now.  A big ol' emotional mess. 

Lawson called his best friend this evening and they talked on the phone for almost 40 minutes. It was seriously the happiest and most spirited he has been all week. I loved listening to his side of their conversation. I think he must have been using up all his words he hasn't used at school this week. He was so smiley when he went to bed. 

But then he gave me the phone and said that I could talk to Miss Gina. There was a reason I had made him call himself. Pretty sure I was crying 30 seconds into our conversation. 

I am so blessed. I know that. 
I have amazing friends. Here and there.
I have an amazing family. 
And I still have no doubt that this was God's plan for us. 
I know it will work out. I know it will get easier. I know it's going to be okay. 
But it's still really hard. 

And even though he's not going to love that I'm posting this... I want to remember this. 
The distinctive handwriting... the yellow legal paper card... the perfect flowers... I need this documented forever...

You should be really amazed that I could read this without crying. Trust me... it was pretty close.


Danielle H. said...

Oh, reading that sweet note from your dad made me cry! Saw your post last night, too, and have been praying for all of you. Hugs from Texas.

tami said...

awww... dad got you DAISIES with a POLKA DOT ribbon...
that' is a good daddy...
been praying for you and your babies. will continue to!

sarajane said...

Had to redo the mascara after reading your dads note. Amazing. Praying for you and hoping that you can take a deep breath this weekend and put your feet up :) you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

That got me choked up too. You are an amazing teacher, flat out. Be gentle with yourself. Change...even when it is a good really hard worK. Your dad is so right. Every day will get better.

Sending you good thoughts today

Toni :O) said...

Daddio's are truly amazing...all.the.time!!! You obviously got one of the best and that truly is a blessing, cause there aren't too many cool Daddio's out there like that. I can't imagine all of your changes you are going through. I'm overwhelmed and I'm just READING it all. I'm very unhappy in my job right now and desperately trying to change it but three rejections later and no more calls, it's deeply depressing but all we can do is move day at a time, one foot in front of the other and know we are truly doing the best that we can. It's so fresh right now, but eventually it won't be so fresh and I truly believe it will get easier with each passing day and before you know it, your cute red head will have a friend, he has smiling eyes and smiling eyes always find friends! Keep the faith and stay strong, your gonna do GREAT!

Danielle said...

I really shouldn't read your posts at work - I'm crying at my desk. How embarrassing.

LOVE your daddy's note & flowers. I thought of you yesterday as I looked at the daisies in Dillons. I wanted to cry in the store.

But, enough crying. Today is a new day. A new day for making friends; a new day to embrace God's plan for you and a new day to be thankful for all God has done.

I agree with your daddy - you are the VERY BEST YOU I could ever imagine. Just do "you".

Ben said...

it is so hard to balance it all! I think you are doing a fabulous job..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your sweet kiddo's. I'm just a blog stalker from the Macs and don't comment to often but my heart feels for you and your babies. Just take one day at a time...


Melissa said...

Your dad is so sweet! Still praying for you guys. I can't imagine all the emotions you are feeling now. Praying week 2 is much better with less tears.

rentz said...

Our boys talking was adorable! Ezzie is still talking about it. And the note from your dad is perfect and absolutely true!

flower power momma said...

Vent anytime. You have lots of people who love and care about your life. Even the challenging times.

For whatever reason that old Mary Tyler Moore theme song is playing in my head..

"you're gonna make it after alll..."